Things to ponder
Nobody minds having what is too good for them.Source
- My college app essay is finished and will be posted below so you can tell me how hideous it is. Trust me, it is. Really, really bad.
- If I will ever manage to finish better than second at any Debate tournament.
- What it means when the test you took this morning was longer than the time you slept the night before (which is fully my fault).
- If swearing at Student Congress would be worth it in the end. Factors to consider: Kubas, Krinta and Deebs.
- The insanity of two more college essays to write.
- The Debate case I need to write tomorrow. Pros and cons of searching for evidence tonight.
- Whether or not I need to ask about hotel discounts.
- The Chemistry, Spanish, Lang and European History homework I still have to do.
- What clothes to wear for my senior pictures.
- The general insanity of Blong.
- Why I am stalling at posting my essay.
For three weeks, several of my friends, all members of the school’s Debate team, pestered me, convincing me to join them for their biannual Student Congress event. The things I knew about Student Congress were minimal: they wanted me to have opinions about things, political things, and they wanted me to speak in front of people, two areas I never claimed expertise. The experience, they swore, would convert me into a Debate member, eager to learn about everything and unafraid to stand up for my beliefs.
I went, albeit grudgingly, determined at the very least to work on my public speaking skills. The Suburban ride to the event, squished between a coach I hardly knew and a friend I now classified as insane, only heightened my anxiety surrounding the occasion. The terms, for example "parliamentary procedure," "affirmative speech," and "Super Congress," flying around the van convinced me that my ignorance would be severely detrimental to my performance.
Paralyzed by my growing feeling of inadequacy, I vowed to watch the first day and only speak on pain of death. Separated into a house without anyone I knew, I made good on my vow and did not speak once. I watched the proceedings take place before my eyes and I was both comforted and disturbed by the outlandish speeches made by many of the participants.
Dinner that night took place at a local restaurant with the rest of the team, and in between the laughs, vague threats of walking home in the twenty below weather and food, I felt, for the first time in years, like I belonged. Overnight an acquaintance became a close friend by offering advice on how to succeed the next day and sharing stories of her first trip with Debate, stories reflecting an anxiety similar to my own.
The second day of my first Student Congress experience differed drastically from the first. Invigorated by the advice from the previous night, I gave four speeches, ousting my innate wallflower tendencies. Although the event certainly did not entirely disintegrate my fear of public speaking, I realized they had converted me. I wanted to speak, to voice my opinions, and I wanted for those opinions to be respectable.
In two short days, my outlook on my senior year of high school changed. A year I dreaded due to the chaos and loneliness I knew to be inherent now possessed at least one bright spot. Debate, with its familiar faces and omniscient presence of the former members, guaranteed one haven from the turmoil and frustration connected with the senior year of high school.
When I recall that cold February morning, one image comes to mind: Two Suburbans billowing smoke and packed to the brim with students and expectations just itching to depart for their next destination. A destination promising new experiences and people and the chance to dispel that exhaust that clouded the way. And when the Suburbans left the parking lot that morning, they did clear away all the exhaust and found the desired objective.
Admittedly, that is the cheesiest ending in the history of the world. I admit it, you admit it; I need to change it. Can someone help me with that please? Any other suggestions, awkward sentences, etc would be appreciated. Thanks!
posted by Kara @ 4:49 PM
8 Comments:
"In two short days, my outlook on my senior year of high school changed."
All that I recall from those two days was that it was really cold.
Too many debate trips, too many.
*Korynta, I believe.
Little K, right? Big K graduated I think.
**DISCLAIMER**
I'm going to be really picky with this. You offered it up, so I decided to critique it. You can ignore my comments or adhere to them. Whatever you like.
"The things I knew about....never claimed expertise."
I think the structure is very convoluted. Perhaps you should break it into two sentences.
"The experience" and "they swore" should be switched, I think.
Change to "a friend I classified as insane" because when I read it, the wording made me think that you didn't think he was insane back then, but as of Oct. 28 you do.
"Seperated into a house" is a little akward. Maybe you could clarify or add a little detail there.
Maybe the first sentence in the fourth paragraph could be "The whole team at a local restaurant that night, and in between..."
The brief mention of debate at the beginning, then lengthy talk of student congress, then brief reference to debate offers little continuity. Perhaps when you go back to talk about debate again, add how those two days at StudCong made you want to join. The paragraph with that content is also just a little confusing in subject and structure.
"smoke" evokes factory.
"exhaust" evokes tail pipe.
"...smoke and packed to the brim with students and expectations just itching..."
TO
"exhaust, packed with students just itching..."
"brim" might not be the right word there. "Expectations" seems excessive and out of place. Over use of the word "and" unless you are working toward parallel structure with lists of three.
Do you mention two things that come to mind, or just one in that last paragraph? Many of the sentences are the same: very long with lots of "and" & commas. Remember that you need a variety of sentence length and structure throughout your essay.
Pelk, maybe you will remember this: you wore Rianna's pink and yellow striped scarf and hat for the journey back to Brainerd.
Yeah, but Kara's writing style is made up of that sort of sentence. I know from experience that it's hard to change your style, particularly on a personal narrative. She just needs to make it work for her. :)
Only one thing really stood out to me.
"Although the event certainly did not entirely disintegrate my fear of public speaking..."
Either take out "certainly" or "entirely." That sentence gets to be a mouthful.
I like it, though. In its own way it reminds me of mine. *g* (Which Kelsi hasn't seen, since she has never been to my blog. I feel ignored... :P)
Hi Dear!
Aw, it's absolutely lovely. I love your description of Tay as "the friend I now classify as insane," hehe! Your sentance: "Dinner that night... felt like I belonged," was very sweet. Your essay definitely captures who you are and how you think. It's actually very much like having a conversation with you. You have a basic style structured of extended sentences, with a "dash" of dry humor that suits you well. My only suggestion is to cut some of little added inserts (I can't remember the big grammatical word for it, but you know what I'm talking about) or let them grow into their own sentences (I'm such a hypocrite, hehe). Your first sentence is the only one I can really think of right now. I do like the point of you starting off on this adventure being badgered by us loving buddies :P, though. You knew you were adicted the second you sucked our suburban exhaust. Hehe. Kyoto Protocol my foot!
Ooh! Okay, I don't want this to be uber post, but I did think of one more thing. Don't be afraid to lie a little in your essay. I think the reason you were feeling so weird about the conclusion is because you presented an entirely new idea the paragraph before. You went from "voicing your opinions" to "dreading the chaos and lonliness" of your senior year, which is a lot to cover in 500 words! God, I hate word limits. Feel free to play a little bit with the facts: cut your qualms and edit your fears... it's not bending the facts, it's simplifying them! Hehe.
Ooh ooh ooh! One more thing. Don't be afraid to tell the truth, either. You kick Public-Speaking booty... let them know it! What's all this "overcoming your innate wallflower tendencies," huh? Sure, they were there, but you forgot the part where you had the rest of the House groveling at your feet and you had to find a raincoat because the judges were slobbering all over you! I completely think you should conclude with the sentence: "After that day, I sold my soul to the Debate Team to become an ungodly good public speaker. Huzzah!"
As of now, I don't believe I can comment on this essay. I'm too full of joy!! It is very heartwarming! I love it! Oh, and I don't believe either of us thought he was insane at that particular time ;)
Thanks everyone. The suggestions have been greatly appreciated.
Oh, and Pelk: you were asleep the whole time, probably explains why you don't remember anything.
Shh... Rianna. Just because you know all the nuances of that night doesn't mean they have to. As Sara said, lie a little, they'll never know the difference. And it's not really "lying" so much as "substituting."
-I realize it's awful PC, but don't call him "insane." People can be touchy about mental illness.
-I like the image of the SUVs being like big smoking train engines. But maybe you draw it out too far with the whole exhaust thing?
-Give me some credit.
-Tone down your diction a little bit. We know you're smart, and the admissions people do too.
There's a fine line between being confident enough to use a big word and being insecure enough to feel that you have to. See: Tay.
-"Brim" is a sweet word. "Billowing" too.
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